Judge this post- School/Present day/Stable

[Shadowfax]

Okay this is where people who want to know what others think of their rpg posts(or at least intro posts) can have them judged. This should be useful to people new to the rpg world to get help on how to make their first post supper.

If you want to give tips please have some experice in this kind of rpg.

[fillyderby]

I'm bored, so here's a post for a stables-

Shannon slowly groomed Aslan's coat, as her young gelding pranced in place on the cross ties. Shannon moved onto his hooves, and praised him generously when he lifted his hoof and let her dig out the dirt and rocks.Shannon grabbed her tack, and settled it onto Aslan's back. She tightened his girth hole by hole, as Aslan could get quite girthy. Once his girth was nice and snug, Shannon snapped on her GPA and grabbed her crop. Finally, she wrestled the bit into Aslan's mouth and adjusted his bridle. Shannon led Aslan to the indoor arena, and quickly mounted as Aslan stood still for once.

Ok, rate it please!

[winxqueen16]

fillyderby said:

I'm bored, so here's a post for a stables-

Shannon slowly groomed Aslan's coat, as her young gelding pranced in place on the cross ties. Shannon moved onto his hooves, and praised him generously when he lifted his hoof and let her dig out the dirt and rocks.Shannon grabbed her tack, and settled it onto Aslan's back. She tightened his girth hole by hole, as Aslan could get quite girthy. Once his girth was nice and snug, Shannon snapped on her GPA and grabbed her crop. Finally, she wrestled the bit into Aslan's mouth and adjusted his bridle. Shannon led Aslan to the indoor arena, and quickly mounted as Aslan stood still for once.

Ok, rate it please!

Alright , here are my comments-

I found it personally , somewhat dull , but that may be becaus ei am not into horse rping . But , i would like to point out what person , ect. you used . Shannon was said a little too much , so i would advise replacing it with her , she , the young teen , the girl , the teen , ect . You were very good with your discrptions , but i found it a little bit wordy . Also , replace Aslan with other names , like the stallion/gelding , horse , equine , ect . Keep your thesaurus handy whne rping , and if you have a software on your computer that has a dictionary or thesaurus , use it ! It can truely improve your posts .

My Overall Rating of this post was - 6.3

[jumper12]

Here's one to be judged:


Allie's grin grew as she realized that this Sweedish oxer was the final jump of the Pony jumping division. She gave a small squeeze, hoping that Milano's pace would pick up, since their time would judge who the real winner was; three people also had clear rounds. Her gelding's hooves pounded into the ground kicking up sand in all directions. Finally her mount leaped up into the air. Allie's worried experssion about leaving the ground a little early made the crowd wonder if they would clear it. And at last, after feeling like they had been in the air for a decade, the pair landed. Allie couldn't believe it; Milano and her had qualified for the jump offs.

[winxqueen16]

jumper12 said:

Here's one to be judged:


Allie's grin grew as she realized that this Sweedish oxer was the final jump of the Pony jumping division. She gave a small squeeze, hoping that Milano's pace would pick up, since their time would judge who the real winner was; three people also had clear rounds. Her gelding's hooves pounded into the ground kicking up sand in all directions. Finally her mount leaped up into the air. Allie's worried experssion about leaving the ground a little early made the crowd wonder if they would clear it. And at last, after feeling like they had been in the air for a decade, the pair landed. Allie couldn't believe it; Milano and her had qualified for the jump offs.

Comments: Overall , that was really good ,and exciting. Only thing i would say is , don't be too wordy . But wow ! Great job !

My overall judgment on this post is - 8.9[/u][/i]